Should Mormon Parents Emulate Chinese Parents?

An article recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal entitled, “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.” As you can imagine, it caused quite a lot of stir. A lot of people had negative reactions to it. They accused the author, Amy Chua, of being heartless, too demanding, obsessive, and cruel. After reading the article, I can see why people would react this way, but at the same time, I noticed a lot of things in Chua's article that Western parents should emulate. I'll take this space to comment on some of the passages from the article that I think demonstrate how Western parents, and Mormon parents, for that matter, should be more like Chinese parents. Passages from Chua's article are within quotation marks.

"What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up."

How many children see how easy something looks while watching it on TV, beg to be allowed to do it, and then give up trying when they find that it is actually very hard. I know I did that at least once as a child. Is it okay to do it once? Sure. Is it okay to make it a habit? Absolutely not. Where I differ from Chua is that I think that children, whenever possible, should choose what they are spending this kind of effort doing. For example, I will do everything in my power to make my children want to play baseball, but if they ultimately decide that they like basketball more, I will let them focus on that sport (after I drop them off on the doorstep of some basketball-loving family that they can join).

"Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me 'garbage' in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage."

Some of the greatest instigators for me to change have been moments when I felt like garbage. Neither of my parents have ever called me that or anything comparable, but I think that the principle that Chua is talking about here still applies. This principle is to hold children to a high standard and to let them know when they are not meeting it. I don't mean a standard such as a shooting percentage in basketball or performance on a test (we'll return to that topic later), but a simple standard of behavior. Let them know that you know that they have dissapointed in a specific instance (not that they are disappointments in general; we don't need our kids to be as messed up as the guy in Inception). I remember the moments when I disappointed someone I wanted to impress, and I have improved because of them.

"First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital."

I do believe that we place far too much emphasis on self-esteem in our culture. I believe that when self-esteem becomes the main focus of raising children, the experiences that will actually build self-esteem don't ever happen. What are those experiences? Succeeding at something that was hard, developing self-discipline, working to accomplish a goal, and many other things. Getting praised for little effort does not build self-esteem. It builds a big (unjustifiably big, I might say) ego. This is a hard line to walk because parents have to determine if their child's performance was the best he or she could have done or if he or she could have reasonably done better.

"Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough."

I believe that a child's grades in school are a better reflection of that child's work ethic than intelligence. It is possible that a child isn't capable of grasping Calculus, but I was raised with the notion that anyone can do anything that they put their mind to. Parents should be more willing to push their children to work hard rather than shrugging their shoulders because that's just what their child is capable of.

"Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children."

Too often we see Western parents who, if they don't believe the opposite of this, behave as if they do. They will bend over backwards to satisfy the most trivial of their child's wants. This gives a child the sense that he or she is somehow more important that anyone else around them, an attitude that can do nothing but harm the child.

"Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences."

Somehow, we got the notion in the West that children are capable of making important decisions for themselves. While it is important for children to learn decision-making skills, this does not include every possibility for every decision. If children were given that power, they would eat nothing but cake, do nothing but play video games, and help in nothing but their own gratification. “The natural man is an enemy to God,” (Mosiah 3:19) and while children can be wonderful and sweet and angelic, they also have moments in which it is clear that they have not yet overcome their natural tendencies. One of a parent's jobs is to teach them to do this: to think of others when they would naturally only think of themselves, to keep doing something that's hard or unpleasant because of the reward that will come only after hard work, to look to God on guidance about how they should pattern their lives.

Basically, parents should try to pattern their parenting after the ideal parent: God, our Heavenly Father. God demands that we live by high standards of behavior. He pushes us to do more than we think we can do. He helps us recognize our weaknesses so that we can turn them into strengths (see Ether 12:27). Yet, none of our shortcomings, mistakes, or even sins make him love us less. That is the kind of parenting that Mormons, or every parent for that matter, should emulate. I see some of these qualities in Chua's description of a Chinese mother, qualities that aren't very apparent in Western parents. That is not to say that I think that we should do everything that Chua describes, but we should be able to take advice from other cultures as long as it is bringing us closer to being like God.

Why I Believe

Would I be a Mormon if my parents hadn't raised me as a Mormon? Without my parents to take me to church every week as a child, would I go to church today? If my parents hadn't set an example by living God's commandments while they were raising me, would I be living them today?

I've asked myself these questions. I don't think that anyone person of faith who was raised by faithful parents can avoid them if they want to seriously examine their faith and understand what it means to them.

But ultimately, the answer is a resounding, “I don't know.” I can't know unless someone finds a way to spy on some sort of parallel universe. But I think that the answer to all of those questions is, “Yes.” I would be Mormon, I would go to church, I would live God's commandments. I think this—you could say that I know it as much as anyone can know anything that is unknowable, which is part of faith—because my faith doesn't come from my parents. They were instrumental in directing me toward where I would find it, probably ensuring that I would find it a lot sooner than I would have otherwise, but they are not it's source.

My faith comes from God. It comes from experiences I've had while seeking Him through prayer. I have felt the power of His spirit answer questions like “Is the Book of Mormon true?” “Was Joseph Smith a true prophet?” and most importantly “Did Jesus Christ atone for my sins?” God has answered all of those questions for me.

Without my parents to teach me and provide a good example for me, I may not have asked those questions so early in life. They might have had to wait until two young guys in white shirts and ties, wearing black name tags knocked on my door, but I would have asked them. And I know that the answers would have been the same.